Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
