moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
