i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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