And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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