I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Randomize