question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
