It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
