he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
