even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
