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i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
