You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
