Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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