1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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