I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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