I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
