I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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