She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
