I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Randomize
