someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
