just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
