I'm lost and stupid without you.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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