I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
