we have officially lost it.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We have started to decorate penises.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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