He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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