I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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