If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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