I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
