as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
