I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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