How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
