Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
