we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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