just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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