I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
