i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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