My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
This house was built for laser tag.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
