I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
you never un-have a 4some
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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