If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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