So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
