She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
