you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
