i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
