and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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