Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Everclear isn't food dammit
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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