got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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