shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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