My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
