I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
The best revenge is premature balding
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
