i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
