haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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