maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
