woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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