I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
