i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize