i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
