to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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